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Posts Tagged ‘mental illness’

Wishingwell

Local charity for Mental Illness.

Funds will go to somerset medical center 5West.

Every cent counts!

25 cent donations!

Thank you for helping me help others!

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Not easy.

I would like to thank everyone for the support, love, well wishes and advice..

You all have no clue how much that helps!

So, once more..

On December 22, 2013 I had a break..

I walked into my kitchen, picked up a knife and sliced my arm twice (Thought it was once until I had a kick ass flashback) Almost died, I cut two veins and the tendon, Got to the hospital and the doctors tried so hard to get my arm from spitting blood like on horror movies… (Yes, was that bad) as they were working on me my blood pressure dropped so low they kept saying “we have to stop bleeding she’s going to flatline!) no pain killers and no letting up they shoved their hands into my arm over and over again.. I couldn’t take the pain my blood pressure dropped so low they were all talking about how they could not believe that I was still talking, yelling or awake.. (It’s never a good feeling to hear that or to be able to see the look of terror on the face of your child, mother, brother and husband.. I wish I would have been blessed by being passed out but I guess that was just my punishment from a higher power for what I did.. A punishment I am blessed to have gotten cause I am still alive.. small price to pay) They got the Veins stitched up (The doctor lost count) and 19 staples later… I spent the rest of the night in the ER getting my blood pressure up above 60’s, 70’s, 80’s target of 90’s was hit by 4am…

I then got placed into a cell like room with my man and a few cops, no pants, bra, NOTHING I was shamed… Couldn’t see my daughter, that hurt worse then anything else… Then from there I was placed on a ward called 5west and stayed for a week and a day having to face why…

It’s hard to tell someone why..

can anyone else relate?!

How could you tell someone why when you don’t even know?!

I felt lost, I had to say “Well, I don’t know what or why, but I did… I’m stupid, what else can I say?!”

I am still dealing with not knowing why.. I give loads of reasons that change each time..

but I can’t lie to myself anymore!

I know why, cause I am damaged mentally by events and some people…

But, I am NOT BROKEN!

I can live in the life they made for me or I can chose to take back that power and use it to heal the scares… I think it’s about time!

I still see what happened..

every detail, smell, sound and everything else… Thank GOD for Thomas & my mother in-law.. for without them I would be lost!

 

Note to my readers:

PLEASE THINK

think about friends and family EVERYONEIMG_20140102_102744_769

but most of all think about yourself!

don’t EVER hurt yourself.. nothing is that bad!

if you find yourself at that point.. take a deep break and think.. every big thing looks pretty damn small in 24 hours.. XOXO

HAPPY NEW YEAR’S!!!!!!!

Love you all!

~Kitty Tandino

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Well, I haven’t posted anything for a while..

and I am bluntly honest so, I am going to share my story and why I have not been around… 

My history:

I was born to a woman who was less then perfect and my father killed himself when I was just born.. (My mother told me it was because I wasn’t the boy he wanted.. then years later she told me she has no clue who the hell my father is) You know how doctors on talk shows say that girls who grew up with no male figure around tend to search for male approval? Well, they are right.. I spent my whole life looking for the “daddy” I never had.. settling for whoever came along who treated me like I mattered.. FAILED!

(Until now) <-More about that later…

Current day:

I have depression really bad too..

The kind where I just can’t deal easy with fights or let downs etc..

I have a distorted image of myself..

Others see one thing.. but when I look at myself I see ripples in a pond and it’s just ugly to me…

Anyway, on Sunday December 22, 2013 around 2pm I had enough..

Enough of bills, fights, trying to measure up etc.. 

I seen shows on cutting… (DON’T EVER TRY THIS!!!)

They said how it will help you relax and how they aren’t looking to kill themselves they just want a “release”..

They LIED!!!! cutting is Bad and can end up with you six feet under the ground and many people missing you!

Trust me I know….

(See image taken today a week and 1 day after I did the most stupid thing in my LIFE)

 

Image

 

Yes that is my left arm.. 

I ended up cutting two veins and slicing the tendon..  

I spent Christmas away from family and my daughter because of my actions…

Now, back to the “MAN” issue..

I was blessed by meeting the man of my dreams four or more years ago and now I am engaged to him I couldn’t ask for a more amazing man..

“Bad things happen to good people for better reasons”

I am grateful that a higher power, alien or other LOL seen fit to keep my crazy ass around…

A note to my readers…

NOTHING EVER IS WORTH…..

YOU!

If you feel hopeless I want you to know that you are not alone!

Go to friends, Family, call a local help line, shout, punch a pillow, take a hot bath, play a game of ball or do anything else then hurt yourself…

PLEASE!

Take it from me, I’ve been there… YOU ARE A GIFT… a gift that is meant to be treasured not trashed!

 

Love you guys!

~Kitty Tandino.

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